Families
are stronger when parents model how to lose with civility, and strong families
strengthen communities, states, and nations. In his article published at Deseret
News, Samuel J. Abrams, professor of politics at Sarah Lawrence College,
discussed a loss in a recent championship soccer game.
Abrams explained that the soccer team representing his daughter’s high school “lost its championship soccer game last week.” He continued:
…The
high school team had been ranked number one, and the girls had every reason to
believe they could win. They had worked hard, played well all season and earned
their place in the championship [game]. But when the final whistle blew, they
had lost a very close match.
My
daughter and I watched the players fight for every ball and refuse to give up.
We watched them maintain their composure, even as the game slipped away in
overtime. My daughter was disappointed, as was I. We wanted her school to win,
and there was no point pretending otherwise. But as we talked about the game, I
realized that what we had just witnessed was an important teaching moment, one
that had very little to do with soccer.
Is it really ‘just a game’?
My
first instinct was to tell my daughter that it was just a game, that losing
wasn’t important, and that it really didn’t matter….
In
many respects, it was just a game, but the match itself and the season
absolutely mattered: to the girls who had worked so hard, to their coaches and
classmates, and to my daughter, who already felt such a strong connection to
her school after just a few months. The disappointment was real, and there was
no reason to dismiss it.
In
fact, it was precisely because the game mattered that there was something important
to learn from losing it. Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose.
That’s a difficult lesson for adults, let alone children, and I have trouble
remembering it myself.
We
tell our kids to work hard, practice, listen to their coaches, support their
teammates and give everything they have. Do those things, we suggest, and good
things will follow. And often they do. But not always. Sometimes the other team
plays better, or a ball takes an unfortunate bounce. I don’t think we should
rush to tell disappointed children that they are all winners when they lose a
hard-fought match. They know the score, and they deserve more respect than an
adult’s attempt to make an uncomfortable moment disappear. What we as parents
and adults can instill in them is the idea that losing a game and failing as a
person are two very different things.
The importance of school sports
This
is one reason school sports are so important today, and why we shouldn’t forget
that schools are far more than places where children go to learn reading,
writing, mathematics and history. They learn to be civil, collaborative and
human. Schools are among the most important institutions we have for teaching
children how to live with other people and handle moments of both euphoria and
sadness.
Of
course, some of those lessons happen in classrooms, in assemblies, and in
formal activities like Model U.N., but many require more social and inherently
collaborative environments. They happen on playgrounds, in hallways, in
lunchrooms, during school performances and on athletic fields and courts. They
happen when a child doesn’t get the part in the play or the spot in the school
orchestra, or when a team that everyone expects to win loses the championship.
These experiences are not distractions from formal education; they are core
parts of a balanced education.
We
often forget that a good coach teaches far more than how to pass a soccer ball
or hit a target. Good educators, including teachers, coaches and others who
support and lift up our youngest generations, help children understand that
being disappointed doesn’t excuse treating others poorly. And a truly
enlightened school community teaches children that they have obligations to one
another, whether things are going their way or not.
Sports
are one way [that] schools can achieve this because they help young people
learn to compete under a common set of rules, respect the judgment of referees,
cooperate with teammates and recognize that their opponents are not their
enemies. Students can want to win and still shake hands with the people who
beat them. Losing, however painful, is not the end of the world. You get up,
return to practice, and try again. Seasons end and begin again, and there is
always room for growth.
There
is an important lesson about civility here. Our polarized times and rage-filled
culture have created a social and political climate where disagreement often
becomes personal, opposition is regrettably treated as something to be hated,
and losing is treated as something intolerable. The other team wants to win
just as badly as you do, but that doesn’t make them the enemy. Both sides agree
to play by the same rules, and those rules don’t become illegitimate simply
because you side loses.
That
lesson matters in civic life, where we have to accept that our side will
sometimes lose but we must still find a way to keep participating. Being
disappointed with an outcome doesn’t mean we have to resent or eventually hate
the people who prevailed. Nor does losing mean that we should abandon the
institutions or rules that made the contest possible in the first place. We can
debate and disagree, sometimes fiercely and still embrace the civic obligations
that we have to one another. Those are habits our schools must help children
develop long before they are old enough to vote.
Schools are more than just the classroom and test
scores.
I
think we often forget that schools have responsibilities far beyond the
classroom and test scores. They are engines of social formation and civic
education, and some of that work happens precisely when things don’t go our
way.