Effective Families

Stephen R. Covey compared an effective family with the flight of an airplane in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. I found this comparison to be a very good one because both airplane flights and effective families have three key elements, which are: 1) They have a definite destination and know where they want to eventually be. 2) They have a plan on how to reach their destination. 3) They have a compass to guide their travel.

I know a little bit about maintaining an airplane because I am part owner of an aircraft. I know a little about what it takes to fly an aircraft because I am married to a private pilot. Under normal operating conditions, pilots know the condition and capability of their airplane at all times. Aircraft are required to have "annual inspections" to maintain airworthiness. In addition to the required inspection, all the pilots I know inspect their aircraft before every flight. Pilots chart their flights, know the course they will be traveling, and file a flight plan of some kind. They take into consideration the wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, and every other factor that might have an impact on the flight. Pilots do not normally fly on a straight line through the air and often fly higher or lower in order to find the smoothest air. Pilots sometimes make adjustments to their flight in order to go around snow flurries or other unexpected weather problems.

Continuing with Covey's metaphor of the airplane, I would like to enlarge on the three key elements. Most families that I know have a goal of returning to Heavenly Father to live with Him as a family for all eternity. That is their final destination, but they may have some planned stopovers also. A family mission statement can be a guideline to your destination. The important thing is that all members of the family share a common vision of where they want to be. All families are not all alike because each family is composed of individuals and has its own unique challenges and assets. The biggest mistake we can make is to compare our own family to any other family.

The next key element is a flight plan. It is important that your plan be a framework of basic principles that are self-evident, universal, and timeless. Covey lists the seven habits as core principles: 1) Be proactive, 2) Begin with the end in mind, 3) Put first things first, 4) Think "win-win," 5) Seek first to understand … then to be understood, 6) Synergize, and 7) Sharpen the saw. These are all good principles. My family and most other families that I know also use the basic principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ to help guide them. One of these principles is that every member of the family has a unique and important place in that family and has certain sacred responsibilities. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102) says that "fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners," meaning that they should work together to provide the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical needs of their family. Parents share some responsibilities such as teaching their children about faith, repentance, baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, prayer, and obedience to God's commandments. Parents can best teach their children by showing love and respect for each other and for their children with both words and actions.

Some responsibilities fall upon the father while other responsibilities belong to the mother. In case of emergency such as accident, sickness or death, one parent might need to carry some or all of the responsibilities of the other parent. The Proclamation says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." Fathers carry the duty to provide for the physical needs of his family, making sure that they have the necessary food, housing, clothing, and education. Fathers carry the responsibility of showing a good example to their children and for calling their children together twice daily for family prayer and for weekly family home evening. Fathers who spend time with their children, both individually and as a group, reap great rewards. Fathers who teach their children correct principles, discuss the problems and concerns of their children, and counsel them lovingly develop strong and lasting bonds with their children.

Motherhood is a sacred calling because mothers form a special partnership with God in order to bring His spirit children into the world. President David O. McKay stated that motherhood is the noblest calling (see Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay [2003], p 156). Bearing children is one of the greatest blessings that a woman can have, but a woman does not have to bear children in order to be a mother.

President Boyd K. Packer said, "When I speak of mothers, I speak not only of those women who have borne children, but also of those who have fostered children born to others, and of the many women who, without children of their own, have mothered the children of others" (Mothers [1977], 8).

The Proclamation states, "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children" (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). Nurturing includes spending quality and quantity time with her children, loving them and teaching them. Children can discover the world around them as mother plays and works with them. When mother is warm and loving towards her children, she helps them to feel good about themselves. Mother presides in the home when father is absent.

Children also have family responsibilities because they share the responsibility to help build a happy home. They can do this by obeying the commandments of God and cooperating with family members. In Exodus 20:12, the Lord said, "Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land." Honoring parents means to love them and respect them. Obeying parents is another way of showing honor to them.

For the third key element - a compass, I refer back to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Covey states that each human being has received four unique gifts that can serve as our compass. They are: 1) Self-awareness - the ability to stand back and observe our own thoughts and actions, 2) Conscience - the inner voice, the moral or ethical sense, that helps us evaluate ourselves,
3) Imagination - the "ability to envision something entirely different" from past experience, 4) Independent will or the "power to take action." These four gifts will help to keep our flight towards our destination. Covey stated that these four gifts are located in that split second "between what happens to us and our response to it" (p 30-32).

I know that families can become more effective by having a definite destination, a flight plan, and a compass to guide them. I hope that all of you will help your family to become more effective.