Stop Feeding the Beast

Families are strengthened when parents teach their children with love, respect, and common sense. I have much admiration and respect for the young parents I know because they show much love and respect while teaching and training their children; however, I have at times wondered about the amount of common sense they use.

I enjoy reading articles by family psychologist John Rosemond because he states in plain language the need for common sense in parenting. In a recent article in the Anchorage Daily News, Rosemond wrote about temper tantrums and how to deal with them. The author wrote that he sees a lot of parents today that deal in "psychological thinking. They assign psychological meaning and significance to any behavior on the part of their children that is the least bit out of kilter. … The psychological interpretation mystifies the child's behavior, raises the parent's anxiety level, and generates responses that are not only confusing to the child but also makes the problem - if in fact the behavior in question is problematic to begin with - much, much worse."

The author continued his explanation by telling about a mother of a 3-year-old who thought her daughter's temper tantrums had something to do with the fact that she was adopted. He explained to the mother that her daughter was throwing temper tantrums for the same reason that non-adopted children throw temper tantrums - "You are not obeying her properly."

He continued with: "It doesn't matter what the child's history or circumstances, all tantrums are equal. They are expressions of what I call `The Almighty I Am' - the belief, shared by every child, that he/she is the only fish in the pond of any significance and that everyone else - parents especially - exists solely to serve. When their service is not pleasing, when their obedience is not immediate, The Almighty I Am begins to rage. Hell hath no fury, etcetera."

Rosemond explained that The Almighty I Am was referred to as the "inner child" back in the 1960s when almost everyone was trying to get back in touch with their own. When the children of the 1960s grew up and became parents, they were careful to "not repress our children's inner beasts, which goes a long way toward explaining why so many Boomers are now raising their grandchildren.) Convinced that her daughter's tantrums were a sign of deep-seated psychological rumblings, Mom catered to them. She figured out what her daughter wanted her to do and she did it. In short, she fed the beast. In turn, the beast grew more beastly."

Dr. Rosemond further explained that it is not good for a child to believe that the parent should obey him/her. He went on to state that parents should basically ignore a child's temper tantrum and stop "feeding the beast."

I tell my own grandchildren, "Temper tantrums won't get you anywhere with me. I don't like temper tantrums!" I have been kicked, screamed at, and even accused of making my grandchild throw a fit, but I simply will not tolerate temper tantrums. Parents who "feed the beast" may end up parenting their grandchildren instead of simply enjoying the opportunity to be a grandparent.