How Resilient Are Your Children? (Part 2)

Families, communities, states, and nations are stronger when the rising generation develops resilience during their early years. Resilience is a necessary quality to help children, adolescents, and adults to overcome difficulties.

Lyle J. Burrup, LDS Family Service wrote the following in a March 2013 Ensign article title “Raising Resilient Children.” 

The original definition of the word resilience had to do with a material’s ability to resume its shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed. Today we commonly use the word to describe our ability to bounce back from adversity.

We know two things about adversity and resilience: First, there is “an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11) [a principle taught by an ancient American prophet named Lehi to his children and located in the Book of Mormon – Another Testament of Jesus Christ]. Second, obtaining anything of great worth often requires great sacrifice.

As children become resilient, they understand and accept these two facts. They see life as challenging and ever changing, but they believe they can cope with those challenges and changes. They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn, and they accept that losing may precede winning.

As children develop resilience, they believe they can influence and even control outcomes in their lives through effort, imagination, knowledge, and skill. With this attitude, they focus on what they can do rather than on what is outside their control.

This is where parents and other adults involved in their lives can help children and youth best. We can recognize their strengths and share that knowledge with the rising generation. We do not need to point out their weaknesses because they know well when they are not doing as they should. However, they will be motivated to overcome their weaknesses as we help them to develop strengths – or emphasize the positive while de-emphasizing the negative.

One way to build on strengths and assets is to talk about them and give praise for them.  However, we must be careful about how we praise our children and youth. We should compliment the effort that they put forth, not how smart they are or how good they are or how great the accomplishment. “I appreciate how hard you worked to complete that assignment” goes much further in motivating a person than “I am so proud of you when you do your homework.” The child might question if you are proud of them even when they do not do their homework.

In his article, Burrup said that Heavenly Father provided a model to parents about how to help children develop resilience.

He treats us with great love and respect, even when we make mistakes. He reminds us of our potential (see Moses 1:39) and our great worth (see Doctrine and Covenants 18:10), which are based on our identity as His sons and daughters. He gives us laws so we know what He expects (see Doctrine and Covenants 107:84), allows us to make choices (see 2 Nephi 2:15-16, and honors our choices ((see Doctrine and Covenants 130:20). He allows for learning and instruction to correct mistakes (see Doctrine and Covenants 1:25-26) and for repentance and restitution to correct sin (see Doctrine and Covenants 1:27-28).

Burrup reminded his readers that Heavenly Father is a perfect Parent and has shared His model for parenting with us. Burrup then shared some recommendations about how earthly parents can apply God’s principles in parenting their children.

·         Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.

·         Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.

·         Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.

·         Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.

·         Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.

·         Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.

·         Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.

·         “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899-1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107).

Burrup then had some recommendations for raising capable, resilient children. He reminded his readers that each child is an individual who requires a personalized approach. However, there are some nearly universal principles that have proven to be effective. Here are the nine principles shared by Burrup:

·         Instead of setting random or arbitrary rules and consequences, discuss rules and set logical consequences. Result: Children know what to expect and learn that choices have consequences.

·         Instead of allowing children to avoid the consequences of their choices, allow children to experience natural and logical consequences of their choices. Result: Children learn accountability and responsibility for their choices.

·         Instead of giving mostly correction, give mostly praise. Celebrate small steps in the right direction. Result: children learn what parents want. They feel encouraged, worthwhile, and appreciated.

·        Instead of being arbitrary and inconsistent in requiring obedience, consistently offer desirable rewards for the actions and behaviors you would like to reinforce. Result: Children learn that they don’t have to want to do hard things; they just have to do them.

·        Instead of praising only outcomes, praise for effort regardless of outcome. Result: Children feel encouraged, confident, and more willing to take on challenges.

·         Instead of sending the message to children that their self-worth depends on outcomes, tell children they have inherent worth because they are sons or daughters of God and have divine potential. Result: Self-worth will be attached to the child’s eternal potential instead of temporary success or failure.

·         Instead of talking about failures or successes as being connected to luck or talent, define failure as temporary and an opportunity to learn. Define success as a product of hard work and sacrifice. Result: Children are less discouraged by or afraid of setbacks and are more willing to be persistent.

·         Instead of trying to solve children’s problems by giving them all the answers, help children (1) identify what happened, (2) analyze what contributed to the outcome, and (3) identify what they can do to avoid this problem next time.

·         Instead of making children feel dumb by criticizing them, their effort, and their accomplishments, listen and be supportive and encouraging so your children will want to come to you again for help. Result: Children feel more comfortable discussing their mistakes and problems with you.

Parents – be crazy about your children. Love them and encourage them to reach for the stars. By motivating our children to do a little better, we can strengthen our families, communities, states, and nations.