Families are stronger when they manage family conflicts in healthy ways, and strong families strengthen their community, state, and nation. According to BetterHelp Editorial Team, “2019 statistics reflect that 70-80% of US adults consider their families to be dysfunctional in some way.” The team quoted writer Leo Tolstoy as observing, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy is its own way.”
Each
family is unique because each one consists of unique individuals – “complex
units made up of complex individuals.” Each family may have its own distinct
issues. However, “there’s a set of broad patterns that tend to cause conflict
across many families – whether biological or chosen.” One problem that
compounds the issue, “many lack the tools to manage these challenges in a
healthy way.” After studying families for numerous years, I concluded that most
(if not all) individuals and families could function better with personal
and/or family counseling.
The
authors stated that “Every family will inevitably face conflict from time to
time.” If the conflict is managed in a healthy way, the family can heal; if
not, the problem will continue to fester and may erupt in much bigger ways. The
authors listed eight “signs of ongoing family conflict that’s not being managed
in a healthy way”:
·
Passive-aggressive
behaviors
·
Sweeping
issues ‘under the rug’
·
Frequent
bickering and/or fighting
·
Disagreements
frequently escalating to yelling/screaming
·
Frequent
periods where some members aren’t speaking to others
·
A
lack of trust between members
·
Codependent
behavior
·
Abuse
of any kind
While
the above list contains signs of family conflict that is ongoing, the
following list is one of causes of family conflict. Whenever one sees
the signs, they should look deeper to identify the root causes of the conflict.
A family cannot solve the problem until they know and eliminate the cause of
it. Here is the authors’ second list:
1.
Parental
relationship problems
Parents
who are constantly fighting – whether they’re still together or separated or
divorced – can cause tension for all members, especially children….
2. Financial concerns Many families face serious challenges in meeting the basic needs of all members. Whether it’s because of systemic issues, job loss, inability to work, uncontrolled spending, gambling problems, or another reason, stress and conflict related to money and bills is common.
3.
Health conditions
When
one or more family members is experiencing a health challenge – from a chronic
physical condition to a mental illness to a disability – it can affect the
others…. [Each family is a system – and each part of the system affects all
others.]
4.
Toxic behavior between family members
Sometimes,
stress or dysfunction in a family can be traced primarily to the toxic
behaviors of one member….
5.
Unaddressed trauma related to family issues
In
most cases, trauma that has not been effectively and healthily recognized,
processed, and healed will cause issues in a person’s life in some way….
6.
Unhealthy expectations
Family
members who feel pressure to conform to unhealthy and/or impossible standards
may experience negative effects as a result….
7.
Too much or too little time together
Families
that have to live in close quarters and spend most or all of their time
together are liable to face conflict, as many learned during the COVID-19
lockdown. On the other hand, families that are so busy or live so far apart
that they rarely get to spend quality time together could also end up
experiencing conflict.
8.
Poor or nonexistent communication
Healthy,
honest, frequent communication is widely considered to be the foundation of
healthy relationships of all types. Families without it are likely to
experience recurrent conflict as issues that arise may not be properly
addressed and members may not feel heard.
Many
families do not know how to resolve family conflict. I remember a video shown
in one of my classes about a family – father, mother, son who just graduated
from high school, and a younger adolescent daughter. The son began staying out
all night with his friends, and the father, mother, and sister were
worried that he was getting involved
with drugs, alcohol, etc.
During
the counseling session, each member of the family shared their thoughts and
feelings. The son was surprised to know that his family was worried about him
because he thought that they did not want him at home at all. As the counselor
drew out the worries of each family member, he also moved the family members
around the room. When the family went into the counselor’s office, the son sat
off by himself, and the daughter sat between the father and the mother. By the
end of the session, the parents were sitting together with the son beside the
mother on the couch, and the daughter was in a chair beside the father. Of all
the videos that I watched during my collegiate years, this is the only one that
I remember so clearly. It showed clearly that family members can and usually
are wrong about situations unless they communicate with each other until they
all have understanding.
The
authors’ takeaway at the end of their articles is as follows:
Family
conflict can be challenging, frustrating, draining, and difficult to face on
your own. If you’re looking for support in identifying or handling conflict
within your own family, you might consider connecting with a therapist. A
family therapist can work with your entire family to build communication and
problem-solving skills, while an individual therapist can offer you in
particular a safe space to express your emotions and get constructive advice –
whether online or in person.
In conclusion, all families have conflict from time to time. If and how the conflict is resolved will determine the happiness and closeness of family members. When families manage conflict in healthy ways, they strengthen their individual family, community, state, and nation.
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