Temper Tantrums

                    Strong families have well-behaved children.  Parents owe it to their children to be consistent in their discipline and to confront bad behavior immediately.  Children become little tyrants who control the family if they are not carefully taught.

 

                    Many people do not like confrontation because it is uncomfortable for everyone involved and observing.  No one enjoys confronting another person about his/her bad behavior because it is not pleasant, but some people - including me at times - will go to any length to avoid confrontation.  When an eighteen-month-old or a two-year old throws a temper tantrum and throws himself/herself sprawled out on the floor, it is kind of cute.  When five-year-old tries the same trick, it is no longer cute but very embarrassing if public.  When a teenager or adult throws temper tantrums, it becomes destructive or even dangerous.

                    Parents must confront their child about bad behavior as soon as the bad behavior starts.  When that two-year-old understands that temper tantrums do not get them anywhere, the problem soon stops. 

I have a granddaughter who is resisting parental pressure to begun potty trained but wants her diaper to be changed immediately after soiling it.  I can tell by her behavior that she knows when she needs to go potty, but she resists.  When I recently babysat her, I caught her in the act of straining and asked if she needed to sit on the potty.  She answered no, and I explained to her that she would have to wear a soiled diaper for awhile if she made a mess in it.  Just a minute or two later, she wanted her diaper changed.  I reminded her about what I had said, and she immediately started a tantrum which lasted for 20 minutes.  I changed her diaper after she finally calmed down, and I would have changed it sooner without the temper tantrum.  I am stubborn enough to stand my ground until the tantrum ends!  I told her parents what I had done and suggested that this may be the motivation she needs to get potty trained.  I don't know if they will be consistent enough and strong enough to endure until she learns.

I have other grandchildren who have mastered the art of throwing temper tantrums when they don't get their way.  It is fairly embarrassing to have a child throw himself on the floor in a public place simply because he didn't get his way.   When the habit is well-ingrained, it is very difficult to eradicate.

Parents must be consistent in how they deal with temper tantrums.  They and their caregivers must be united in how they deal with the child.  One adult, even though consistent, cannot cure the tantrums.  Both parents, as well as all grandparents and caregivers, must adopt the philosophy of no temper tantrums and refuse to deal with them.  One serious consequence of allowing any child to become a tyrant is that other children see what is happening and follow the same behavior.  When children understand that tantrums do not get them anything, they will cease throwing temper tantrums.  Even two-year-olds can understand when an adult says, "No temper tantrums."

Children must be carefully and lovingly taught that certain behaviors are not acceptable, and the sooner the teaching begins, the easier the learning will be on the child.  Tyrants are difficult to live with, and child tyrants are one of the worst kind!  Families are strengthened when all members understand that civilized people use words to discuss problems rather than throw temper tantrums.

Stop Feeding the Beast

Families are strengthened when parents teach their children with love, respect, and common sense. I have much admiration and respect for the young parents I know because they show much love and respect while teaching and training their children; however, I have at times wondered about the amount of common sense they use.

I enjoy reading articles by family psychologist John Rosemond because he states in plain language the need for common sense in parenting. In a recent article in the Anchorage Daily News, Rosemond wrote about temper tantrums and how to deal with them. The author wrote that he sees a lot of parents today that deal in "psychological thinking. They assign psychological meaning and significance to any behavior on the part of their children that is the least bit out of kilter. … The psychological interpretation mystifies the child's behavior, raises the parent's anxiety level, and generates responses that are not only confusing to the child but also makes the problem - if in fact the behavior in question is problematic to begin with - much, much worse."

The author continued his explanation by telling about a mother of a 3-year-old who thought her daughter's temper tantrums had something to do with the fact that she was adopted. He explained to the mother that her daughter was throwing temper tantrums for the same reason that non-adopted children throw temper tantrums - "You are not obeying her properly."

He continued with: "It doesn't matter what the child's history or circumstances, all tantrums are equal. They are expressions of what I call `The Almighty I Am' - the belief, shared by every child, that he/she is the only fish in the pond of any significance and that everyone else - parents especially - exists solely to serve. When their service is not pleasing, when their obedience is not immediate, The Almighty I Am begins to rage. Hell hath no fury, etcetera."

Rosemond explained that The Almighty I Am was referred to as the "inner child" back in the 1960s when almost everyone was trying to get back in touch with their own. When the children of the 1960s grew up and became parents, they were careful to "not repress our children's inner beasts, which goes a long way toward explaining why so many Boomers are now raising their grandchildren.) Convinced that her daughter's tantrums were a sign of deep-seated psychological rumblings, Mom catered to them. She figured out what her daughter wanted her to do and she did it. In short, she fed the beast. In turn, the beast grew more beastly."

Dr. Rosemond further explained that it is not good for a child to believe that the parent should obey him/her. He went on to state that parents should basically ignore a child's temper tantrum and stop "feeding the beast."

I tell my own grandchildren, "Temper tantrums won't get you anywhere with me. I don't like temper tantrums!" I have been kicked, screamed at, and even accused of making my grandchild throw a fit, but I simply will not tolerate temper tantrums. Parents who "feed the beast" may end up parenting their grandchildren instead of simply enjoying the opportunity to be a grandparent.