What Qualities Are Essential for Thriving Families?

Healthy families are strong families, and strong families strengthen their communities, states, and nations. Certain qualities are essential for thriving families. In her article published at Psychology Today, Randi Gunther, Ph.D., discusses “essential traits that help families thrive through life’s challenges.” 

There is a great deal of published data on individual and partner qualities that define which people consistently create successful relationships. The building of a healthy family takes more than just currently evolved individuals. When all factors are considered, families inevitably shift – especially as more new people are added to that mix, finances are stressed, families of origin are allowed to vote, unexpected crises arise, and socio-economic conditions remain unpredictable.

Families that weather these changes as a team must have a number of qualities that ensure they can not only face these challenges but grow stronger from them.

Working with families for over 50 years, I have kept track of the 10 most crucial qualities that stand out in every truly healthy family I have encountered. [Emphasis added.]

1. Individuals are respected.

A family is both a team and a collection of unique individuals. Each person must be respected and honored for who they are and not just a part of a whole. There must be room for each member to have the opportunity to speak their truth with encouragement and respect.

2. Everyone contributes as best as they can.

No matter how young or old, people feel better about themselves when they are earning their way as best as they can. That place of personal respect requires that each member of the family has responsibilities to enhance the family and each other in whatever way they can contribute.

3. There is hierarchy, but everyone gets a fair vote.

It is reasonable to assume that the most contributory members of the family have the greater responsibility and power to make the decisions that are best for the team. However, as each member of the family attains capability, they are given a more prominent vote as to how that power is distributed. Though there always will be a hierarchy of some kind, the family goal is to achieve as much democracy as possible as it grows so that the younger members are prepared to contribute to the goals and decision-making when it’s their turn to take on the role of their elders.

4. There is room for the expression of all emotions and needs, but mutual respect is required. Each member of the family, no matter how young or old, must feel heard, seen, and attuned to. The distribution of resources of time, energy, love, and availability must be shared but every member of the family is constantly guided to make certain all are served as much as possible. Children must be included as to when and why their needs will be met and why they must give way to others.

5. They plan and work on mutual goals for each individual and for the team.

No two family members are the same and their individuality must be recognized even as they are willing and collective members of the team. Each knows what the other’s goals are and they work together to do everything they can to help each other achieve them.

6. The distribution of resources is open and understood by everyone.

People of all ages, depending on their ability to understand, must be in on the plan as to what resources are available at any one time, and why they are allocated in the way they are. When all members of the family work together, they try to wait their turn, knowing when and how their needs will be met.

7. The focus is on learning rather than punishment or embarrassment.

A healthy family does not keep score nor blame. They know that everyone makes mistakes, but they are never chastised when they are doing the best they can. Requirements are based on what each member of the family can do, how they learn, and how they make future plans that incorporate what they have integrated. Lapses to the mutual rules are not only tolerated but understood that they will create opportunities for better choices in the future. Even younger children can help set their own goals. Ask them to review any mistakes, what they could have done differently, and how they can help create a plan to improve their behavior over time. Each member of the family is willing to encourage the others to learn and help create an atmosphere of self-respect and support.

8. Making the team stronger by each member helping the other.

Those who are more resilient help those who are less so when they can. Each member of the family, knowing their time will come and when, can draw on their own resilience to lend a helping hand. The goal is for each member of the family to be a support for whatever the others need. The key is constant and clear communication and current updates for everyone. Being part of each plan and how and why it is devised makes them feel more motivated, as they feel seen and recognize the needs of others.

9. Affection, caring, support, and encouragement are prevalent.

Healthy families do not let a day go by without expressing their love for each other and the gratitude that they still have each other. There is never a feeling of what should have or could have been shared. When you are in the presence of a successful family, you can feel how those encouraging words, expressions of affection and gratefulness abound. They know how to grieve together when they experience disappointment or loss. There is an immediate pulling together to help one another get through the loss no matter how great or small.

10. They look forward to the future together.

Each member of a healthy family is profoundly interested in the future of the other. They celebrate wins but share the experience of loss together. They live in the moment but always think of what each member can achieve in the future and are there to encourage even when goals may change. They always remember that they treasure and need each other.