Do You Have a Favorite Child?

Families, communities, states, and nations are stronger when parents do not have “favorite” children. I was drawn to an article by Lois M. Collins about favoritism because my children always gave me trouble about having a favorite child. I could never understand their claims because I tried to treat them equally even though it was not the same. Besides, they have all had their times of trying my patience and making me proud of them. None of them are exempt from either extreme because I love them all and always try to meet their needs and wants. 

Collins discussed a BYU review of studies that “shows parents are apt to favor kids who fall in certain categories.” She made the statement that parental preference “impacts a child’s well-being” and can “influence a child’s life well beyond childhood.”

New research from Brigham Young University finds there’s risk in the rivalry and perceptions of favoritism. And there are factors that give some of the siblings a head start in pursuit of mom’s or dad’s affection.

The study by Alex Jensen, an associate professor in the BYU School of Family Life, just published in the journal Psychological Bulletin, finds that daughters, the “baby of the family” and those who are conscientious and responsible are a bit more likely to wear the parent’s pet crown.

Jensen’s findings came from “data for about 19,469 participants” found in “30 peer-reviewed journal articles and dissertations, as well as 14 databases.”

The data shows that “parents tend to favor girls slightly more than boys,” but the girls did not feel favored, and the boys did not feel slighted. Another group of children that are “favored” are those who are conscientious and agreeable. Don’t we all favor people who are conscientious and agreeable? However, favoritism has lasting consequences.

But favoring one child over another has consequences not only in terms of the children’s relationships with each other, but also in terms of how the children fare – potentially both positive and negative for the favored child.

For example, siblings who receive favored parental treatment might have better mental health than the child who wasn’t favored, as well as more academic success and better relationships, per the study.

The inverse is true for the child who wasn’t favored, including the potential for worse mental health, less academic success and worse relationships with family members. Jensen said they are more likely to engage in substance use.

According to Jensen, “some studies have looked at how much inequality there is.” Some families have just a bit of favoritism, while other families have much more. The children who are obviously favored are more likely to have worse outcomes, worse mental health, and worse relationships as well as get into more trouble.

The study itself notes the differences aren’t just about parental favoritism, but being parented differently. It adds that children’s characteristics can draw out or encourage different types of parenting. “Our findings specifically suggest that within families, some children may be easier to parent than others.”

The study also finds that “parents tend to be less controlling of or grant more autonomy to older siblings,” who are generally more capable than their younger siblings. The problem is, that different levels of control, whether developmentally appropriate or not, “has been linked to lower self-worth and more problem behaviors among the less-favored children, who likely don’t consider it fair,” per the research.

The researchers also said that children and parents don’t necessarily perceive things the same way. Parents and children can experience the same relationships and see and understand them differently.

So, what is a parent to do? According to Jensen, parents should “watch for signs that a child thinks something is unfair.” They should not brush off a child’s claim of unfairness. As an example, Jensen shared an experience from his own family. He noticed that his six-year-old  daughter was struggling with her perceived imbalance of fairness.

After some probing, he discovered that she was upset because a younger sister had the most dresses. He asked some questions about where the dresses came from. When she realized that both girls got new dresses from the store but the sister got hand-me-down dresses from her, the girl realized that it was not favoritism that caused her to have fewer dresses.

Paying attention and probing may help a mother, a father, or a set of parents to see that a difference in parenting is needed. Children do not need to be treated exactly the same way. If one child needs new shoes and the other does not, then it is perfectly okay to get new shoes for the child who needs them. However, when the other child needs new shoes, they should get them.

The bottom line? Because favoritism can shape both sibling relationships and child well-being, parents should be mindful and if they see problematic patterns, they can only strengthen their families by correcting those patterns.

There is always something – a study, a comment, or whatever – that will come along and make a parent feel guilty or like a failure. Parents should be patient with themselves and their children, and they should always try to be the best parent possible within their ability. God will help us in our parenting, and we can strengthen our families, communities, states, and nations as we rely upon Him.