What Behaviors Show That There Is Trouble Between Partners?

Strong families begin with strong marriages. The strength of a marriage can be seen in the presence or absence of six behaviors. According to Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, any marriage is in trouble if any of the six behaviors appear between marital partners.

Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman run the Gottman Institute in Seattle. They have worked with different couples in their institute for more than forty years. They developed a model with which they can predict the likelihood of divorce with high accuracy, and they do it by simply watching couples communicate. Their research identified six specific behavioral patterns, some more obvious than others, that consistently appear in marriages that are heading toward divorce. When couples understand the patterns and are willing to change behavior, they have an opportunity to start working on the behaviors early in the marriage. Robles Agustin shared the following information about the six troublesome behaviors. 

Criticism

Criticism, according to Dr. Gottman, involves attacking a partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior, transforming complaints like I wish you had called into broader accusations about who a partner fundamentally is as a person. Gottman’s research found that frequent criticism erodes goodwill steadily over time, making partners increasingly defensive and less willing to engage constructively with legitimate concerns raised during everyday conversation, gradually replacing curiosity with quiet resentment on both sides.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness, the second pattern Gottman identifies, typically emerges as a response to criticism, with partners deflecting responsibility rather than genuinely hearing the concern being raised during a disagreement. His research found that defensiveness, while a natural instinct, tends to escalate conflict rather than resolve it, since it signals to the other partner that their concern is not being taken seriously or heard, which often causes the original issue to resurface again later.

Contempt

Contempt, which Gottman considers the single most damaging of his identified patterns, involves treating a partner with disrespect through sarcasm, mockery, or eye rolling, communicating a sense of superiority rather than equality within the relationship. His long-term studies found contempt to be the strongest single predictor of divorce among all behaviors observed, more damaging even than frequent open conflict between partners, largely because it erodes affection and respect at their foundation.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling, the fourth pattern, occurs when a partner withdraws entirely from a conversation, shutting down emotionally rather than engaging, often as a response to feeling overwhelmed by conflict. Gottman’s research found that stonewalling frequently emerges after repeated criticism and contempt, functioning as a final defensive wall once a partner feels there is no longer any productive way to participate in the conversation, leaving both people feeling isolated even while sitting in the same room together.

A Shrinking Ratio of Positives

A declining ratio of positive to negative interactions, according to Gottman’s research, is another key warning sign, with his studies finding that stable couples maintain roughly five positive interactions for every negative one during everyday life together. When that ratio drops significantly, Gottman found [that] relationships become measurably more vulnerable to escalating conflict and eventual separation over time, since small positive gestures stop offsetting the accumulating weight of daily friction between partners.

Failed Repair Attempts

Failed repair attempts, the sixth pattern Gottman identifies, occur when one partner tries to de-escalate tension, through humor, an apology, or a simple pause, and the other partner does not accept the gesture. Gottman found that couples who successfully navigate conflict are not those who avoid disagreement entirely, but those who can successfully repair tension once it begins to build between them, turning what could become resentment into a manageable, resolved disagreement instead.

The first four of the six behaviors are known as the Four Horsemen of Gottman. Recognizing and mitigating the Four Horsemen is important. The following strategies can be useful. 

·       Replace Criticism with Complaints: Focus on specific behaviors rather than personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express feelings without blaming your partner.

·       Counter Contempt with Respect: Foster a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship. Avoid sarcasm and focus on positive interactions.

·       Address Defensiveness: Take responsibility for your part in conflicts and approach discussions with a mindset of collaboration rather than competition.

·       Combat Stonewalling: If you feel overwhelmed, take a break to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation. This can help prevent emotional flooding and promote constructive dialogue.

When couples are aware of the Four Horsemen and then working actively to “counteract their effects,” they can overcome those problems, “strengthen their relationships, and improve their communication skills.”