How, When, and Why Should Parents Teach Children about Sexuality?

             Families, communities, and nations are stronger when parents arm their children against the effects of pornography. Parents should understand that it is no longer “if” children view pornography, but it is “when” they must deal with it. The prevalence of pornography and its availability increases every year, and every child with access to the internet may come in contact with it.

            I have been studying about sexuality and pornography for the past two weeks. I opened my lesson for week 12 and found it to be about pornography. A day or so later, I opened an email from the stake executive secretary with four links to articles about pornography. It seems that the adult session of stake conference this weekend will be about sexuality and pornography.

One of the links is to an article titled “How, When, and Why: Talking to Your Children about Sexuality” by Laura M. Padilla-Walker, a professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University (BYU), and Meg O. Jankovich, a student in the BYU Marriage, Family, and Human Development master’s program. The point of the article is to help children to prepare for and enjoy sexuality in marriage. 

Padilla-Walker and Jankovich believe that parents should guide their children as they learn to control their God-given feelings. They wrote that the goal of parents and teachers “should be to help our children to be both sexually pure and prepared.”

The physical aspects of the law of chastity (for example, abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity after marriage) are central and important. However, abstinence is sometimes discussed more often than the emotional and spiritual aspects of the joy and beauty of sexual intimacy in marriage, as well as the peace that comes form living a life of virtue and purity both before and after marriage: “Intimate relations … are not merely a curiosity to be explored, an appetite to be satisfied, or a type of recreation or entertainment to be pursued selfishly. They are not a conquest to be achieved or simply an act to be performed. Rather, they are in mortality one of the ultimate expressions of our divine nature and potential and a way of strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife” (“We Believe in Being Chaste,” Ensign, May 2013, 42).

In order to help our children prepare to enjoy sexual intimacy in its beauty and wonder within marriage, we need to help them understand their sexual development and guide them as they work toward controlling their God-given feelings and emotions.

            Padilla-Walker and Jankovich say that it is “never too late” to teach children about sexuality. They discuss the how, when, and why parents can began talking with their children about sexuality.

1. How to Talk about Sexuality

One critical element of healthy parent-child conversations about sexuality is to promote a culture of openness….

President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said: “As our children grow, they need information taught by parents more directly and plainly about what is and is not appropriate. Parents need to … talk to [their children] plainly about sex and the teachings of the gospel regarding chastity. Let this information come from parents in the home in an appropriate way” (“Like a Flame Unquenchable,” Ensign, May 1999, 86).

To foster open communication, you can:

·         Start when your children are young by calling body parts by their correct names….

·         Let your children know they can ask you any questions, and then try not to overreact or attach shame to their questions or confessions. Celebrate that they are talking to you, show them love and support, and do your best to keep lines of communication open.

·         Avoid using metaphors for sexuality. Children need information presented in a clear and honest way….

2. When to Talk about Sexuality

Most parents have a single conversation with their children about sexuality. But given the false messages youth are getting from the world today … children need more than one talk from their parents….

In speaking about potential exposure to pornography, Sister Joy D. Jones, Primary General President, said: “Earlier discussions are better, and children will come forward more readily when they know they are loved and nothing they say or do can change that love….

“Parents, we must start the conversation and not wait for children to come to us…. We want children to feel prepared and empowered, not scared. We want to talk with them and not at them” (“Addressing Pornography: Protect, Respond, and Heal,” Ensign, Oct. 2019, 25, 26).

To be more intentional, you can:

·         Have home evening lessons on topics related to sexuality and let your children teach as they feel ready. Topics might include puberty, body image, the positive aspects of sexuality, the dangers of pornography use, that it is normal to have sexual feelings, and more.

·         Help your children come up with specific strategies to resist temptation… sing a hymn, think of a scripture, pray, engage in physical exercise….

·         Teach children how to avoid sexual predators and to stay safe…. [To prevent fear about sexuality, do not teach about safety at the same time that you teach about sexual intimacy within marriage.]

3. Talk about the Why of Sexuality

Children often want to know why they are expected to do things. Why should they keep the law of chastity when some people around them do not? When they understand the reasons behind expectations, they are more likely to internalize shared gospel and family values. Youth who know why they are committing to keep the law of chastity find that this commitment “ceases to [be] a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Forget Me Not,” Ensign, Nov. 2011, 122).

If we want our children to keep God’s law of chastity, we need to give them reasons for why it is important to abide by this law. They must be taught that sexuality is given to us by Heavenly Father to be used under the conditions that He sets….

As you discuss sexual development with your child, consider these teachings:

·         Sexuality is an inherent part of each child of God … created “in the image of God” (Genesis 1:27). …

·         Experiencing sexual feelings and sexual arousal is normal. Children don’t need to act on those feelings and sensations but instead can be mindful of them. This means noticing sexual feelings but not negatively judging them. Research has shown that practicing mindfulness can help us make better choices that are in line with our values and goals, such as keeping the law of chastity.

·         Masturbation is often a child’s first experience with sexuality and is done in ignorance. Even young children are prone to self-touching, and how parents respond to these early behaviors can set the stage for how young people feel about themselves and their sexuality….

·         If children understand the why behind standards related to relationships and sexuality (including dating, modesty, chastity, etc.), they are more likely to see the wisdom in God’s laws and have the motivation to keep them. As you teach these standards, remember that it’s important to do so without imposing shame or fear.

Padilla-Walker and Jankovich reminded their readers that there is power in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. When our youth stumble while learning to “understand and regulate their sexuality,” parents should react as they would when their toddler falls when learning to walk. “It is important for us to remember to promote growth instead of guilt and to teach children that Jesus Christ can bless them with grace and power and mercy to strengthen them and help them remain sexually pure and one day enjoy the blessings of sexual intimacy in marriage.” Parents can strengthen their families, communities, and nations by teaching and preparing their children about the proper use of sexuality.

Dayton Moore

            My VIP for this week is Dayton Moore, the general manager for the Kansas City Royals baseball team. The name means nothing to me because I do not follow professional baseball or any sports team. I am impressed with Moore because he had the courage to stand and face something that he considers to be evil.

            Moore has been involved with baseball for nearly thirty years. He has seen things during those years that concerned him. He saw many different problems, and he realized that “every major issue that we dealt with … traced back to pornography.” He explained that baseball players are people – not assets or commodities – with some of the same struggles that afflict people around the world.

            So Moore decided to do something about the root of the problems. He asked a group known as Fight the New Drug, a nonprofit anti-pornography activist group, to visit with his team about pornography. In doing so the Royals became the first major league team to tackle the problem directly.

            In his remarks at the recent Utah Coalition Against Pornography conference held in Salt Lake City, Moore made the following comment.

When we continue to look the other way, it’s not going to get better…. What you permit, you promote, what you fail to confront, you condone. I don’t sleep at night when we don’t confront issues that are hurting our team, our family, our community.

            Moore told a group of more than 2,000 attendees that general managers speak with their athletes about numerous other problems, such as domestic violence and financial responsibility. He believes that he is responsible to warn his players about pornography because it is “destroying our kids, and hurting their thought process.”

            There were other speakers at the annual conference who spoke of the dangers of pornography. They include Taylor Chambers, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Porn-Resilient Parenting, and Martin Roundy, a psychotherapist who works for the State of Utah Division of Child & Family Services and has 23 years of experience working with survivors of childhood trauma.

            Chambers explained that the parental reaction to their children viewing pornography will either help them to grow into healthy adults or will shut them down. Reacting with anger, punishment, lecturing, or tears will not help youth deal with pornography appropriately.

When (our kids) are using porn or have accidentally run into porn, they are very much like that kid on the mountain [who was bitten by a snake]. They’re curled up and wounded and when we start putting our spotlight somewhere else, they’re left in the dark. That’s not a situation we want to put our kids in. We want to be right there, focused first and foremost on helping them out.

            Chambers suggested that the best thing that a parent or spouse can do is to start asking questions and then listening to the answers. He said that it might open up the discussion if the parent or spouse acknowledged their discomfort in the discussion.

            Roundy stressed that it was important to discover the reason for the trauma that is driving the pornography habit. He says that there is usually a reason for “thorny behavior” whether that behavior is pornography, drugs, or something else. “The more healthy relationships a child has, the more likely he will be able to recover from trauma. Love is the greatest healing power in the universe.”

            So it sounds like Moore is on the right track by opening the door to discussions about pornography with his players. He seems to be truly concerned about his players and their marriages and families.

Open and Honest Discussion Needed

                Families, communities, and nations are strengthened when youths and adults talk openly and honestly about pornography and its dangers.  Exposure to porn is more and more difficult in our sex obsessed society.  Statistics show that nearly 100% of our youth are exposed to pornography in some degree before they are 18 years old.  Children, youth, and adults are strengthened when they know how to avoid it and/or get help when needed.

                Total elimination of pornography would bless society but is nearly impossible to achieve at this point.  Our task now is to limit the damage done by the evil influence of pornography.  Even though exposure to porn does not lead to addiction to everyone, all of us need to be educated about sexual addiction.  Everyone who is educated about addiction to porn will be better equipped to rear their children and help other people avoid and/or deal with its influence.  One way to gain this education is to learn from those who are now dealing with the problem.

                Michelle Linford introduced a weekly series of articles written by wives of sex addicts.  These wives desire to share their knowledge and experience in the hope of helping others avoid the problems they have faced or are facing in their marriages.  Their posts will answer questions such as (1) When do the seeds of compulsive pornography use usually form?  (2) What does lust addiction look like?  (3) How do compulsive/addictive behaviors impact the brain?  (4) How does compulsive or addictive behavior impact marriage and family relationships and dynamics?  (5) What resources are available for loved ones of those with addiction?  (6) Why do they need resources at all if they aren’t the ones with the addiction?

                Another way to learn about the dangers of pornography is to be open and honest about pornography and its dangers.  I believe Utah is on the right track to exposing the dangers.  The Utah House of Representatives unanimously passed a resolution calling pornography “a public health hazard leading to a broad spectrum of individual and public health impacts and societal harms.”  The House resolution follows one passed earlier by the Utah Senate.  The resolution does not seek to ban pornography but to keep children from being exposed to it.

                The resolution in Utah was “drafted” and supported by the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), a Washington-based organization dedicated to “addressing the public health crisis of pornography and exposing the links between all forms of sexual exploitation.”

                According to Dawn Hawkins, executive director of NCOSE, “Pornography is a serious public health crisis facing our nation…. As pornography shapes the sexual templates of rising generations, violence and abuse of women and children becomes normalized.  The government must recognize the science that confirms the harms of pornography, similarly to how it recognized the damage to public health caused by tobacco.”

                I believe that knowledge is power.  If we are to protect our families and communities, we must learn about the dangers of pornography and join the war against it.  I know that families, communities, and nations can be strengthened by bringing the evil influence of pornography out into the open and having open and honest discussions about it.

Pornography

                Families, communities, and nations are strengthened when we teach the rising generation how to avoid pornography.  We must teach them that pornography is addictive and dangerous; we must teach them that pornography can destroy individuals, marriages, and families as well as weaken communities and nations.

                The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has produced a new video in which children teach their peers about pornography.  The name of the video is “What Should I Do If I See Pornography?”  The children explain what pornography is and how to react to it.  They also share a three-step process to tell children what to do if they see pornography:  (1) Call it what it is – pornography, immodesty, or bad pictures; (2) Turn it off or turn away from it; (3) Tell a parent or other trusted adult. 

                I encourage you to show the video to your children or grandchildren.  Teach them how to be safe from this evil influence.  We can strengthen our families, communities, and nations by treating pornography as the evil it is.