How Resilient Are Your Children? (Part 2)

Families, communities, states, and nations are stronger when the rising generation develops resilience during their early years. Resilience is a necessary quality to help children, adolescents, and adults to overcome difficulties.

Lyle J. Burrup, LDS Family Service wrote the following in a March 2013 Ensign article title “Raising Resilient Children.” 

The original definition of the word resilience had to do with a material’s ability to resume its shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed. Today we commonly use the word to describe our ability to bounce back from adversity.

We know two things about adversity and resilience: First, there is “an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11) [a principle taught by an ancient American prophet named Lehi to his children and located in the Book of Mormon – Another Testament of Jesus Christ]. Second, obtaining anything of great worth often requires great sacrifice.

As children become resilient, they understand and accept these two facts. They see life as challenging and ever changing, but they believe they can cope with those challenges and changes. They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn, and they accept that losing may precede winning.

As children develop resilience, they believe they can influence and even control outcomes in their lives through effort, imagination, knowledge, and skill. With this attitude, they focus on what they can do rather than on what is outside their control.

This is where parents and other adults involved in their lives can help children and youth best. We can recognize their strengths and share that knowledge with the rising generation. We do not need to point out their weaknesses because they know well when they are not doing as they should. However, they will be motivated to overcome their weaknesses as we help them to develop strengths – or emphasize the positive while de-emphasizing the negative.

One way to build on strengths and assets is to talk about them and give praise for them.  However, we must be careful about how we praise our children and youth. We should compliment the effort that they put forth, not how smart they are or how good they are or how great the accomplishment. “I appreciate how hard you worked to complete that assignment” goes much further in motivating a person than “I am so proud of you when you do your homework.” The child might question if you are proud of them even when they do not do their homework.

In his article, Burrup said that Heavenly Father provided a model to parents about how to help children develop resilience.

He treats us with great love and respect, even when we make mistakes. He reminds us of our potential (see Moses 1:39) and our great worth (see Doctrine and Covenants 18:10), which are based on our identity as His sons and daughters. He gives us laws so we know what He expects (see Doctrine and Covenants 107:84), allows us to make choices (see 2 Nephi 2:15-16, and honors our choices ((see Doctrine and Covenants 130:20). He allows for learning and instruction to correct mistakes (see Doctrine and Covenants 1:25-26) and for repentance and restitution to correct sin (see Doctrine and Covenants 1:27-28).

Burrup reminded his readers that Heavenly Father is a perfect Parent and has shared His model for parenting with us. Burrup then shared some recommendations about how earthly parents can apply God’s principles in parenting their children.

·         Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.

·         Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.

·         Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.

·         Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.

·         Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.

·         Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.

·         Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.

·         “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899-1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107).

Burrup then had some recommendations for raising capable, resilient children. He reminded his readers that each child is an individual who requires a personalized approach. However, there are some nearly universal principles that have proven to be effective. Here are the nine principles shared by Burrup:

·         Instead of setting random or arbitrary rules and consequences, discuss rules and set logical consequences. Result: Children know what to expect and learn that choices have consequences.

·         Instead of allowing children to avoid the consequences of their choices, allow children to experience natural and logical consequences of their choices. Result: Children learn accountability and responsibility for their choices.

·         Instead of giving mostly correction, give mostly praise. Celebrate small steps in the right direction. Result: children learn what parents want. They feel encouraged, worthwhile, and appreciated.

·        Instead of being arbitrary and inconsistent in requiring obedience, consistently offer desirable rewards for the actions and behaviors you would like to reinforce. Result: Children learn that they don’t have to want to do hard things; they just have to do them.

·        Instead of praising only outcomes, praise for effort regardless of outcome. Result: Children feel encouraged, confident, and more willing to take on challenges.

·         Instead of sending the message to children that their self-worth depends on outcomes, tell children they have inherent worth because they are sons or daughters of God and have divine potential. Result: Self-worth will be attached to the child’s eternal potential instead of temporary success or failure.

·         Instead of talking about failures or successes as being connected to luck or talent, define failure as temporary and an opportunity to learn. Define success as a product of hard work and sacrifice. Result: Children are less discouraged by or afraid of setbacks and are more willing to be persistent.

·         Instead of trying to solve children’s problems by giving them all the answers, help children (1) identify what happened, (2) analyze what contributed to the outcome, and (3) identify what they can do to avoid this problem next time.

·         Instead of making children feel dumb by criticizing them, their effort, and their accomplishments, listen and be supportive and encouraging so your children will want to come to you again for help. Result: Children feel more comfortable discussing their mistakes and problems with you.

Parents – be crazy about your children. Love them and encourage them to reach for the stars. By motivating our children to do a little better, we can strengthen our families, communities, states, and nations.

 

 

 

 

How Resilient Are Your Children? (Part 1)

Families, communities, states, and nations are stronger when the rising generation develops resilience in their early years. Life is full of trials for all of us because that is part of God’s plan for the eternal happiness of his children. He knows that trials give us opportunities to gain experience and develop in ways that might not be possible without those particular adversities. Therefore, He sometimes allows terrible things to happen to good people. We are tested and tried to prove our willingness to obey God’s commandments. What may be an extremely difficult test for one individual would be much easier for another person.

Human beings are born into a multitude of circumstances. Some people are born into poverty, while others are born into affluence. Some are born into loving families, while others are born into abusive or neglectful homes. No matter where we are born or the circumstances in which we live, we all have some combination of risk factors and protective factors.

A risk factor is any influence that increases the odds of harm, contributes to a more serious state, or maintains a problem condition. Risk factors include poverty, divorced parents, addiction, low intelligence, neglect, abuse of any kind, and living in dangerous neighborhoods. Since life is more difficult as the number of risk factors increases, the goal of parents and other adults should be to reduce the amount of risk to children and youth as much as possible.

Protective factors are the opposite of risk factors. Protective factors are internal as well as external resources that promote positive developmental outcomes and help children prevail over adversity. Both internal and external protective factors modify risk. Internal protective factors include a positive and cheerful attitude, being easy going, friendliness, good work ethic, and other positive personal attributes. External protective factors are in the environment where the child lives, and they include living in a safe neighborhood, attending a good school, living with both biological, married parents, having a loving extended family, enough money in the family to meet needs, living in freedom, and other such positive features.

A child may live in poverty, but he may also be living with his two biological, married parents in a loving family situation. His living situation would help to modify the effects of poverty.

Statistics show that most children who live in poverty do not do well academically. However, there are some children living in poverty who excel academically. Such children are resilient.

Neurosurgeon Ben Carson is one well-known example of a boy who grew up in poverty, in a single home, and a mother who could not read. Mrs. Carson did not want her sons watching television all day or joining gangs, so she insisted that they read two books each week and write a book report about each book. They would give their book reports to their mother, and she would pretend to read them. She even asked questions about the books that they read.

Mrs. Carson’s two sons did not know until much later that their mother could not read. Even though her sons faced numerous risk factors, they had a mother who was crazy about them and wanted her boys to have a good life. Her efforts provided enough protective factors that her sons developed personal motivation to excel in school and in life.

The boys were intelligent enough to learn to read and to write. As they continued to read books and to write book reports for their mother, their belief in their abilities grew, and they developed positive attitudes about school. In addition, they developed resilience to escape poverty, membership in gangs, and early death.

Parents and other adults involved with the rising generation can help them to develop resilience by creating and using protective factors and assets as well as decreasing the amount of risk in their lives. Studies show that having one adult in a child’s life that is crazy about the child can help the child to become resilient. That adult can be a parent, grandparent, teacher, coach, neighbor, or any number of other adults influencing children and youth.

Bing Crosby and the Andrew Sisters taught with a song a sure way to build resilience in the rising generation: “You’ve got to c-cent-tchu-ate the positive, Eliminate the negative, Latch on to the affirmative, Don’t mess with Mr. In-Between.” Accentuate the positive, don’t worry about the negative.” - Search (bing.com)

The song continues with counsel to “spread joy up to the maximum, Bring gloom down to the minimum, Have faith or pandemonium Liable to walk upon the scene.” The song also uses the experiences of Jonah in the whale and Noah in the ark as examples of people who accentuated the positive when “when everything looked so dark.”

By using positive words and tones with the rising generation, we can motivate them to rise to higher levels. We should never call them derogatory names or suggest that they are lazy or have other negative attributes. We should increase the amount of positivity in our words and actions and decrease negativity as much as humanly possible.

All parents should strive to become the adult in their child’s life that is absolutely crazy them. Such children are motivated to try harder because they know that someone thinks that they can do better. By motivating the rising generation to reach higher, we can strengthen our families, communities, states, and nations.

 

How Can We Help Children to Be More Resilient?

Families, communities, and nations are stronger when individual family members have enough resilience to deal with the problems that life throws at them. The goal is to have more protective factors in one’s life than risk factors, and individuals will lots of protective factors become resilient. A resilient person is one who is able to withstand or recover quickly from negative conditions.

A risk factor is a condition, circumstance, experience, or characteristic that increases the probability that a person will experience maladjustment. Risk factors for children include parental divorce, substance abuse, parental mental health problems, or chronic illness.

On the other hand, a protective factor is anything that decreases the likelihood that a person will have problems and increases the probability that a person will have positive experiences. Protective factors for children include high intelligence, positive parenting practices, and anything that reduces the effects of a risk factor.

Infant secure attachment is the foundation for building resilience in children, and authoritative parenting practices build on that foundation. Parents who love and care for their children with kindness are more likely to have resilient children. Families with resilient children will strengthen their communities and nations.