Families, communities, and
nations are strengthened when parents allow their children to face the pain of
loss, rejection, or failure. We have heard for years about soccer, softball,
and other leagues award trophies to all the children who play. For some reason,
modern parents are afraid to allow their children to be less than the best or
less than perfect, so they attempt to make a world that has no winners or
losers.
My own granddaughter showed me a
trophy that she received that said “Best Player.” I asked her if she was the
best player, and she replied that she was not but all the children got the same
trophy. We know of games where there are no official scores kept because
parents and officials do not want the losing team to feel bad for losing. These
adults do not give the children credit for being able to think and to count.
The players all knew which team won the game even if the adults would not admit
it. The children were wiser than the adults and could see through the efforts
to make everyone the same.
This bad idea recently showed up in
a huge way with the indictments of 33 parents who were part of a nationwide scandal
with college admissions. Parents did not have enough faith in their children’s
ability to get into college on their own merits – or not enough faith in their
own parenting ability to help their children prepare to do so – that they paid
up to $500,000 to make sure that their child was accepted at an elite
university. It appears that most of the parents were more concerned about the
success of their children than the actual students were. The parents might have
thought they were protecting their children from rejection or failure, but they
might have been more concerned with their own such feelings.
An interesting article by Jennifer Graham discusses the need for all of us to know “how to weather rejection and
failure.” According to psychologists and child development experts,” this is “an
important component of emotional well-being,” and parents should be helping
children to develop this ability rather than shielding them. Graham emphasizes
that it was the parents, coaches, and other adults who were indicted with no
students being charged.
Graham also points out that this
problem is found in all circles of parenting. None of us want our children to be
sad or rejected. She quotes “experts” who say that it might just be the parents
who have the biggest problem with having children who are not the best at
everything they do.
The article suggests several ways
that parents can prepare their children to face rejection: (1) “offer comfort
and validate the child’s experience;” (2) “make failing safe;” (3) “describe
failing as part of a process, not an end;” (4) “let your child know you value
her character more than her achievements;” (5) “take a back seat [and]
encourage your child to come up with solutions.”
Children need to learn that losing
or failing is not the end of the world. The best place to learn this fact of
life is in the safety of the family and the best people to do the teaching are
loving parents. After discussing numerous ways that “self-absorbent” parents
attempt to push their children to success, the author made the following
statement.
Evidence-based research shows that of an
array of traits – including things like friendliness, emotional stability and
openness to new ideas – the ones that best predict future success in children
are honesty and self-control. Those qualities matter more than common sources
of parental pride, such as grades or where a child goes to college….
Parents can teach children how to fail
in the safe environs of the family by doing things like making sure a child
doesn’t always win at board games, then coaching them through loss and
rewarding them for behaving appropriately.
It is important for children to
learn that losing, rejection, and failure are part of life. Children can learn to pick themselves
up and become stronger if they are taught how to do so. I know a young man who
became captain of his high school basketball team and earned many honors
because he worked for them physically and academically. He paid the price to be
successful in basketball and academics and has been accepted at the university
of his choosing. He had the support of his parents and other family members,
but he did it on his own.
We want the rising generation to achieve
their goals and to be successful in their endeavors. However, we must prepare
them to accept the fact that life is full of failures. We cannot win at
everything we try. We have to learn to pick ourselves up and “make lemonade”
with the “lemons” that life gives us. If parents will help their children to
accept failure and rejection properly, they will also give their children the
tools necessary to become successful. In doing so, they will strengthen their
family, community, and nation.
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