Families, communities, and nations are happier and healthier when everyone keeps their anger under control. President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “Temper is a vicious and corrosive thing that destroys affection and casts out love” (Ensign, May 1991, 74). Anger is a tool of Satan, and he uses it to stir up contention in families, communities, and nations (see 2 Nephi 28:20; 3 Nephi 11:29; Moroni 9:3). Much of this post will come from the parent education program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Strengthening the Family.
Most people feel anger from time to
time, but that is no reason for allowing anger to get out of control. Feelings
of anger can be useful at times, such as alerting us to something that is
wrong. It is important that we take appropriate action to prevent little
problems from escalating. Sometimes problems are complex and beyond a simple
solution. Parents must not give in to angry feelings and retaliate in ways that
escalate conflict with their children.
Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy
described anger as the “thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior.
It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flareups in the sports arena,
and domestic violence in homes” (Ensign, May 1998, 80-81). President Gordon B. Hinckley warned of the
tragic consequences of anger, asking, “Who can calculate the wounds inflicted,
their depth and pain, by harsh and mean words spoken in anger?” (Ensign, Nov.
1991, 50). Throughout the world, angry parents assault their children verbally,
physically, emotionally, and sexually. Each year, millions of cases alleging
child abuse are reports to governmental agencies.
Anger is inappropriately handled in three
ways—through aggression, internalization, and passive-aggressive behavior. When
anger is expressed through aggression, it takes the form of physical violence,
emotional and verbal abuse, or sexual abuse. When anger is internalized, it is
pointed towards oneself and may lead to depression or self-damaging acts,
including suicide attempts or self-mutilation. When anger is expressed through
passive-aggressive behavior, it comes out in indirect actions, such as
dishonesty, irritability, criticism, or procrastination. Angry parents may use
intimidation to force children into obedience, but such children are more
likely to rebel at some time in the future.
The long-term costs of venting anger are
far greater than any possible benefits, particularly in families. People who
cannot control their tempers will drive away the Holy Ghost, loss of respect,
loss of friendship, loss of self-confidence, strained relationships, and serious
problems with children (rebellion, fear of parents, failure in school). In
addition, there are increased risks for problems such as depression, poor
health, addictive behavior, and job-related concerns.
There can be many causes for anger, such
as embarrassment, fear, hunger, or stress. Anger is like the tip of an iceberg.
It is the angry outbursts that are seen, but the causes lurk under the surface.
There are also numerous ways to learn to
control anger. The best and most important way is to discuss the problem with
Heavenly Father in prayer and seek spiritual change. Other ways include the
following: resolve the underlying problems, take responsibility for anger,
identify the anger cycle, keep an anger log, defuse thoughts that provoke
anger, leave the situation, discover activities that are calming, learn to
share the underlying feelings that lead to anger, and continue the previous
steps to prevent relapse.
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