Are You and Your Spouse on the Same Page with Finances?

            Families, communities, and nations are stronger when financial information is known by all who are in leadership positions. Elder Marvin J. Ashton quoted a study by the American Bar Association that indicated that “89 percent of all divorces can be traced to quarrels and accusations over money.” 

            One way to achieve oneness with a spouse on finances is to discuss finances while dating. In their textbook titled Fundamentals of Family Finance – Living Joyfully within your Means,

E. Jeffrey Hill and Bryan L. Sudweeks discussed this topic. In chapter 13 Marriage and Money, the authors listed lots of questions to discuss with a potential spouse. Some of those questions are as follows:

Are you a saver or a spender?

What is your net worth?

What is your attitude about debt?

What is your attitude about financial help from family?

What is your credit score?

Do you currently have and live within a budget? If so, what are your living expenses each month?

How are you paying for your college education?

How do you foresee sharing finances and assets with your spouse after marriage?

How many children do you desire in hour family?

What is your expectation about who is going to earn the money in your family?

What do you think about tithing and other donations?

            The authors taught that the purchase of “the engagement ring is the first major financial decision that you will make related to your marriage” (p. 177). The decision on the ring should be a joint decision. The second big expense is the wedding budget, and couples should avoid going into debt to pay for a wedding.

            The authors gave four principles for handling money in marriage: (1) Spouses should be equal partners in financial decisions. (2) There should be total trust and transparency between marital partners. (3) Couples should work together to reduce and eventually eliminate debt. (4) Couples should counsel with the Lord in all thy financial doings.

            In addition, the authors gave six practices for handling money in marriage: (1) Do your budget together and review it frequently. (2) Make major purchases together. (3) Agree to spending limits. (4) Sleep on big purchases. (5) Deal with financial disagreements constructively (remember H.A.L.T. – hungry, angry, lonely, tired). (6) Both spouses should have some mad money to spend on anything they desire without a need to account for it.

            Marital partners can strengthen their marriage by getting on the same page with finances. By following the authors’ suggestions, they can strengthen their marriage, family, community, and nation.

12 Points for Proper Money Management

            Families, communities, and nations are stronger when they practice proper money management. Since the family is the core unit of society, it is important that families manage their money properly. Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915-1994) of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles presented a talk titled “One for the Money” at Welfare Service meeting in April 1975. The material was printed in the July 1975 Ensign, and it was published as a pamphlet in 1992. 

            Quoting some statistics about the importance of “money management and finances in marriage and family affairs,” Elder Ashton says that somewhere between 75 percent and 89 percent of all divorces can be traced to differences over money. He says that 80 percent of families have “serious money problems.”

            Elder Ashton says that husband and wife should work together as partners and that they should involve the children on a limited-partner basis when they reach the age of accountability (eight years of age). He gives twelve points to follow in order to improve personal and family financial management and to live abundantly and happily together. The twelve points are briefly stated as follows.

1. Teach family members early the importance of working and earning.

2. Teach children to make money decisions in keeping with their capacities to comprehend.

3. Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare.

4. Teach family members that paying financial obligations promptly is part of integrity and honesty development.

5. Learn to manage money before it manages you.

6. Learn self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters.

7. Use a budget.

8. Make education a continuing process.

9. Work toward home ownership.

10. Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program.

11. Strive to understand and cope with existing inflation.

12. Appropriately involve yourself in a food storage program.

            Elder Ashton gives additional information for each point and says that his “points and suggestions are not intended to be all-inclusive nor exhaustive. Rather, it is hoped that a need has been brought to the surface for our serious consideration. We need to recognize and be aware of these basic guidelines for wise money management.”

            Since a high percentage of divorces are caused by financial problems, it seems like a good thing for all couples to learn how to manage their money properly. It is said that much of the time money problems are not caused by lack of money but by lack of proper money management. We can do much to strengthen our families, communities, and nations by learning proper money management.

Marriage and Movies

                Families, communities, and nations are strengthened when husbands and wives have good relationships.  The family is the core – or basic – unit of society; when families are strong, the communities and nations where they live are strong.  A strong family depends on the husband and wife having a good relationship with each.

                “The Family:  A Proclamation to the World” was issued in September 1995 (see Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).  This declaration, made to the sisters of the Church, states:  “We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” 

                Prophets and Apostles reminded us that Heavenly Father has a plan for the happiness of His children, and the family is central to that plan.  It is within the family that children learn to properly interact with other people and to learn how to love and learn and grow.

                The proclamation continues by declaring that “happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

                I know that families who practice these principles are stronger.  I also know that good communication between husband and wife is important in relationships.  Learning how to discuss difficult topics is important but not always easy. 

                Dr. Ron Rogge, an Assistant Professor in the Department of Clinical and Social Sciences in Psychology at the University of Rochester, focuses his research on understanding relationships and the early years of marriage.  With the approval of the U of R Research Subjects Review Board, Dr. Rogge presented some of his studies. 

                Some of Dr. Rogge’s findings (Rogge et al., 2013) suggest that couples can strengthen their relationships by watching movies together.  He suggests that this activity be done during the first three years of marriage.  The key is for couples to use the movies to discuss their own relationships.  With approximately half of all marriages ending in divorce, many religious and secular organizations offer counseling programs.  This self-help program is apparently a very effective alternative.     

                Susan Hagen, also at Rochester, wrote about the findings of the study.  “Discussing five movies about relationships over a month could cut the three-year divorce rate for newlyweds in half, researchers report.  The study, involving 174 couples, is the first long-term investigation to compare different types of early marriage intervention programs.

                “The finds show that an inexpensive, fun, and relatively simple movie-and-talk approach can be just as effective as other more intensive therapist-led methods – reducing the divorce or separation rate from 24 to 11 percent after three years.

                Hagen quoted Dr. Rogge as saying, “We thought the movie treatment would help, but not nearly as much as the other programs in which we were teaching all of these state-of-the-art skills. … The results suggest that husbands and wives have a pretty good sense of what they might be doing right and wrong in their relationships.  Thus, you might not need to teach them a whole lot of skills to cut the divorce rate.  You might just need to get them to think about how they are currently behaving.  And for five movies to give us a benefit over three years – that is awesome.”

                Hagen quoted Dr. Rogge as explaining that this self-help could help married couples on a broad scale.  “It’s incredibly portable.  There are really great marriage intervention programs available now but most require trained therapists to administer them.  If couples can do this on their own, it makes it so much easier to help them.”

                For the study, the couples were divided into three groups:  Group 1:  A conflict management group that learned a technique of how to discuss heated issues by listening to their partner and paraphrasing what they heard back to their partner.  This technique has been proven effective at developing better relationships. 

                Group 2:  A compassion and acceptance training group where couples  learned how to work together as a team, find common ground, and how to approach their relationships with more compassion and empathy. 

                Both of these programs involved weekly lectures, supervised practice sessions, and homework assignments.  The couples invested approximately twenty hours but spent only two of those hours with a therapist.

                Group 3:  The “movie-and-talk couples group devoted half as much time to their assignments and all but four hours took place in their own homes.  Participants first attended a 10-minute lecture on the importance of relationship awareness and how watching couples in movies could help spouses pay attention to their own behavior, both constructive and destructive.

                “They then watched Two for the Road, a 1967 romantic comedy about the joys and strains of young love, infidelity, and professional pressures across 12 years of a marriage.  Afterward, each couple met separately to discuss a list of 12 questions about the screen couple’s interactions.  One question, for example, asked how the movie partners handled arguments:  `Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or di they tend to just snap at each other with anger?  Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty?’  The couple was asked to consider in what way the movie relationship was `similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?’

                “Study participants were sent home with a list of 47 movies with intimate relationships as a major plot focus and asked to watch one a week for the next month, followed by the same guided discussion for about 45 minutes.

                “Which approach proved most effective?  To the surprise of the researchers, all worked equally well.  All three methods halved the divorce-and-separation rate to 11 percent compared to the 24 percent rate among the couples in the control group.  Partners in the control group received no training or instructions but were otherwise similar in age, education, ethnicity, relationship satisfaction, and other dimensions.

                “Discussing relationship movies, it turns out, was just as effective as more intensive skills-building programs.  The results suggest that many couples already possess relationship skills, they just need reminders to put these into practice, the authors conclude.”

                Since watching movies together is a common activity for couples, what made the difference?  Rogge explained, “I think it’s the couples reinvesting in their relationship and taking a cold hard look at their own behavior that makes the difference.  … [Instead of lashing out at their loved one, they decided to do something different.]  Just that insight alone, is likely what makes this intervention work.”

                The movie and discuss idea could work with couples who feel uncomfortable attending relationship workshops or other group activities.  Some of the couples had been married as many as seven years.  This fact caused Rogge to speculate that the movie method could help long-term marriages also.  “Taking time to sit down and take an objective look at your relationship with your partner is going to be helpful for any couple at any stage.  They can make it a yearly thing they do around their anniversary – watch a movie together and talk about it.  That would be a fantastic thing to do and a great present to give themselves each year.

                I plan to present this idea to my husband of nearly fifty years and encourage you to consider it also.  You can find a complete list of movies fromthe study as well as additional movies – and questions here.  You can also sign up to become part of the study at the same site.  I believe we can strengthen our marriages and families – and thus strengthen our communities and nations by watching and discussing movies!

Preventing Pornography Addiction

                Families, communities, and nations are strengthened when we persuade the rising generation to live morally clean lives.  As parents and caring adults, we have the opportunity to influence our youth to live the law of chastity in thought as well as action.  We must teach by our words and actions how to avoid falling into an addiction to pornography.

                Pornography has an “insidious allurement” and can enslave an innocent child before they are old enough to understand what is happening.  Since no loving parent wants their child to be addicted to pornography, we can conclude that such parents desire a way to keep their child from becoming addicted.  Rick Thomas published a very interesting article entitled “5 Sure-Fire Ways to Motivate Your Child to Use Pornography” that can teach us the behaviors we must avoid.

                Thomas explained that “pornography for a man is not primarily about the physicality of a woman.  A woman’s appearance is an external magnet for the eye to enjoy, but the greater problem for the man is his insatiable cravings of the mind.  Pornography is first and foremost about the theater of the mind, where the young male can enter into his virtual world and be king for a day or in this case, king for a few minutes as he satiates his mind with the risk-free intrigue of the cyber conquest.  Porn is a secret world all of the time.  Porn resides in the heart.  It is lust, which feeds itself while in the darkness of a person’s mind.  This makes what we do as parents all the more important because the mind of the child is not altogether discernible. The seeds of lust can be planted in the mind of a child many years before he is old enough to act out on what has been growing inside his heart….

                “… It can take years for all these sinful events to transpire.  In most cases the allurement and enticement of the porn addict began in the theater of his mind while he was a child.  This has been a consistent pattern I have seen in counseling.  You will see in my five sure-fire ways to motivate your child to use pornography how any child can be in porn training without the child or the parents knowing how he was wrongly shaped.”

                Thomas’ five “sure-fire ways” are:  1) Have a non-romantic marriage and teach your children than only certain people are worthy of being lusted after:  “One of the best ways for the husband to highlight real beauty is for him to pursue his wife in the home.  There needs to be a lot of hugging and kissing between the husband and wife.  Release biblical sexuality and romance from its shameful prison and teach your children a biblical view of love.  Children need to see marital romantic affection.  The dad can send a clear message to his children regarding what beauty if and what turns him on – though he would not say it this way to his children.  Holding hands, dancing in the living room, hugging for long periods of time, and smooching in front of the kids are beautiful examples of who and what is worthy of a man’s love.”

                2) Shower your children with instant gratification:  “… The spoiled child who is given everything he wants is a perfect candidate for porn training.  … Too many of our children have not heard the word no.  They are often given the desires of their heart….  When children run the home by easily persuading their parents to give them the desires of their heart, then there is nothing to stop the child from getting into porn if the opportunity arises.”

                3) Do not communicate well with your spouse:  The non-communicative couple “is a perfect setup for the porn trainee because viewing porn has nothing to do with verbal communication….  The children of non-communicative parents are trained in the de-valuing of words, but it’s more than this.  It’s the devaluing of the opposite sex….  Husbands, your children need to see the value you give your wife by giving her some of your best words throughout your day…. I’m talking about words which build up, cherish, nourish, and adore your wife.  Show the value you place on the woman you married.  Let her be exalted in the minds of your children.”

                4) Do not allow your children to receive consequences for their actions:  “Along with the spoiled child mentioned above, there is a parallel parental action to giving the kid whatever he desires.  This is the parent who teaches little to no consequences for his actions.  A child who does not have to pay for what he has done wrong will learn how to get away with anything.  This, too, is a major characteristic of a porn addiction.  It gives the addict a false confidence in a risk-free virtual environment….

                “Children must have a comprehensive view of love, which means they must be appropriately disciplined when they do wrong.  The spoiled child who suffers little consequences in life will have a low regard for rules and authority.  Porn has no rules and low risk.  It doesn’t take much to enter the porn world….  A child who knows he can get away with things is easy prey for the tentacles of pornography….”

                5) Criticize and show anger in your home:  Criticism and anger are the most common ways we devalue others. …  The porn world is a refuge where people go to escape the realities of their lives.  It’s a risk-free haven where the addict can be in control, while satisfying his weary mind.  There is no place which will affect his mind more than what goes on in his home….If the home is not a refuge of encouragement, your child will be tempted to find refuge in other places.  Porn is one of the easiest places for him to get lost in the moment….”

                Thomas concluded his article by stating that our children will respond to the atmosphere we have in our homes.  If we give them an atmosphere of love, respect, unselfishness, responsibility, etc., our children will be better able to resist the allure of pornography.  I understand that the odds of becoming addicted to pornography are greater the younger the child is when first introduced to pornography.  This means that we have no time to spare in turning our homes into heavens on earth.  Pornography destroys individuals, marriages, and families, and, if allowed to run rampant, will destroy communities and nations.  We can stop this destruction by creating the type of home where love grows and develops.  We can strengthen our homes, communities, and nation by avoiding addiction to pornography.

Children and Pornography

                Wise parents and other adults will strengthen their families, communities, and nations by protecting the rising generation from the effects of pornography.  Since pornography is all around us and can be brought right into our homes over the Internet, we must take action against it.  The best defense against pornography is much like defending against other enemies:  go on the offense. 

                How pervasive is pornography?  The Daily Mail reported that “entire classes of young teenage boys have watched it.”  The Mail  reported that “unpublished research into access to pornography among children” discovered more children involved with pornography than previously thought.  The research showed “that every boy and half the girls in a year nine group of 14-year-olds had accessed pornography.”  Even children as young as 11 years old are known to “actively” search for pornography.

                What were the results of the research?  “Some boys now felt they had an `absolute entitlement to have sex with girls, any time, any place, anywhere, with whomsoever they wished.’”  Is there any surprise then to have “15 children a day … excluded from schools for sexual misconduct”?

                Conservative MP Claire Perry said on Bringing Up Britain that “parents should tell other parents about the problems of children watching pornography.”  She added:  “We have commissioned research into young people’s understanding of consent….  It raises very serious questions about whether boys in particular have any understanding of the concept of consent.”

                Why does no one seem to be panicking about what should be considered to be a “public health issue” just like lice or a contagious disease?   Parents may be too ashamed to share the activities of their own children with other parents or to even talk about it with their own children.  We should all be concerned because there are some reports that connect the odds of becoming addicted to pornography with the age when it is first viewed.  Do we really want a nation of pornography addicts?  I think not.

                Patrick Trueman, former chief of the U.S. Department of Justice’s Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section, Criminal Division, was the keynote speaker at a conference in Utah in June 2010.  He said, “We have in America today a crisis of pornography.”  He also spoke about the $97 billion pornography industry and how it has “addicted men, women, and even children across America” and destroyed “marriages, families, and lives.”

                How does pornography do such damage?  It “hijacks the brain by fueling dopamine production, which provides excitement, but no endorphins are emitted to help the brain feel satisfied.  … This cycle leads users to fall deeper and deeper into their addiction as they seek a satisfaction that will never come.” 

                Addiction to pornography at young ages can prevent the development of normal sexual relationships as adults.  Males push for more violent sex, and females simply grow more angry towards men and about sex.  Neither of these results is conducive to happy marriages.

                April Perry at a blog entitled Motherhood Matters suggested that parents take an active role in teaching their children about pornography.  Since we cannot truly trust the Internet filter, we must activate a better defense – their own conscience.  Making children consciously aware of the evil of pornography will assist them to avoid watching it and sharing it with others.

                Perry suggests that “simply teaching a little girl about modesty is a great foundation against pornography in the long run.  When we are teaching kids, we’ve got to go back to the basics:  (1) Build trust [with children when they are young, the teens may be too late]….  (2) Talk about everything [have an “open-door policy” and be shocked in private]….  (3) Teach them to respect others….  At its core, pornography is about disrespect [and] turns men and women into two-dimensional objects to be lusted after….  (4) Instill modesty….”  Perry encourages parents to teach the “why” as well as the “what” of modesty and respect for self and others.

                As a means of education, Nate Pyle, a pastor for Christ’s Community Church in Fishers, Indiana, wrote an interesting essay for his blog entitled “From One Degree to Another.”  He wrote about a conversation he will have with his son one day about how to really see women.  “A woman’s body is beautiful and wonderful and mysterious.  Respect it by respecting her as an individual with hopes and dreams and experiences and emotions and longings….

                “I’m not telling you to not look at women.  Just the opposite.  I’m telling you to see women.  Really see them.  Not just with your eyes but with your heart.  Don’t look to see something that tickles your senses, but see a human being.

                “My hope is that changing how you see women will change how you are around them….”

                Recognizing the problems caused by pornography, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints created a web site entitled “Overcoming Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”  “The Lord Jesus Christ makes it possible for us to overcome all things.  No matter our circumstances, He asks us to trust that He is the way.  In this site, you will be reminded of the power of Jesus Christ and His Atonement as you discover practical guidance and resources for individuals, families, and leaders seeking healing, forgiveness, protection, and power in overcoming pornography.”

                We must engage in battle against pornography.  We can do this best by teaching children the proper way to deal with pornography; we can strengthen them emotionally and spiritually and thus enable them to avoid it.  Such teaching may also protect our children from pedophiles who are addicted to pornography.  When we strengthen the rising generation, we strengthen families, communities, and nations.

Family Proclamation #7

Families, communities, and nations are strengthened when individuals understand and live the principles contained in the inspired document known as “The Family:  A Proclamation to the World.”  The proclamation on the family is inspired counsel from living apostles and prophets and contains counsel to help strengthen marriages and families.

The seventh paragraph of the Proclamation states:  “The family is ordained of God.  Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.  Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.  Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.  By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.  Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.  Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.  Extended families should lend support when needed.”

This paragraph contains many principles applying to marriage and families.  First of all, it teaches us that God wants us to marry and to live in families, but He has only one definition of a marriage and family.  God ordains marriage between one man and one woman and has made this marriage an important part of His plan for the eternal happiness of His children.

The second important principle defines the rights of children to be born “within the bonds of matrimony” and “to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”  It is a sad fact in our society that the rights of children are so often forgotten by selfish adults who put their own desires and needs ahead of those of their children.

The third important principle is that the teachings of Jesus Christ are the foundation for happy and successful families.  Parents and children who live the gospel of Jesus Christ are more likely to be truly happy and successful.  The gospel principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities are the exact principles that strengthen and prolong relationships.

No man is “superman” and no woman is “superwoman.”  We all have limitations in our abilities, time, and energy.  This inspired document divides the duties of husbands and fathers from those of wives and mothers and thus makes it possible for us to “cover all the bases.”  When husbands and fathers preside, provide, and protect their families, their wives are more likely to have the time and energy to care for and teach the children. 

Our Heavenly Father has given us the pattern for the ideal family and has provided teachings to help us develop these ideal conditions.  We all know families who live under less than these ideal situations – whether temporarily or more permanent – and need assistance and support from other people.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even siblings should take this opportunity to give service in such cases.

Janice Kapp Perry wrote the words and music for a beautiful song entitled “Love Is Spoken Here” that teaches both children and adults how to put these principles into daily life.  I enjoy hearing my children and grandchildren sing this song because I can feel the love in their homes and families when they do.  The girls usually sing the first verse, and the boys usually sing the second verse.  Then all come together for the ending of the song.  The words and music of the song are beautiful and bring such a wonderful spirit into a home or meeting.

I see my mother kneeling with our family each day.

I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray.

Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears.

And I am thankful love is spoken here.

Mine is a home where ev’ry hour

Is blessed by the strength of priesthood pow’r,

With father and mother leading the way,

Teaching me how to trust and obey;

And the things they teach are crystal clear,

For love is spoken here.

I can often feel the Savior near

When love is spoken here.

The Book of Mormon – Another Testament of Jesus Christ contains a story about 2060 young men who went to war to protect their families, homes and nation.  These warriors were involved in several fierce battles; all of them received injuries but none of them were killed.  They were blessed because of their faith, obedience, and righteousness.  Helaman, the leader of these stripling warriors, wrote the following in a letter to his commander:  “Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them” (Alma 57:21).

I know the importance of establishing our families on gospel principles.  The principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ strengthen us as individuals and unify us as families.  Our families, communities and nation can be strengthened when we live the gospel principles.

Importance of Fathers

                Families, communities, and nations are strengthened when fathers are active in the lives of their children.  The importance of fathers cannot be understated, and there are too many “missing fathers” in our nation.

                Many of us - adults, youth, and children – honor our fathers annually on a special day known as Father’s Day.  We honor them for the impact they have on us throughout our lives.  Yet there are many people who have not been blessed with having a father impact their lives for good because their fathers are missing in action.  Where are the missing fathers?

                First Things First is an organization in Richmond, Virginia, that is dedicated to strengthening families and keeping dads involved with their children.  One week prior to Father’s Day, this organization held “Celebrate Fatherhood 2013” at the Collegiate School Aquatics Center.  Dads and their children took the opportunity to spend time together swimming, bouncing, and competing in contests; however, there were many children in the area whose fathers were not around to help them celebrate.

                According to First Things First, 60 percent of Richmond families are headed by single-parent households.  That figure shoots up to 86 percent within the African-American demographic.  This problem is not just in Richmond, Virginia, or in African-American families; it is part of our present culture. 

                Fathers are more likely to leave their families than mothers according to experts.  Truin Huntle, executive director of First Things First, said, “We have a major father absenteeism issue in Richmond….  Father absenteeism, broken homes, broken marriages and teen pregnancy are continually being found as the root cause of [childhood poverty and poor performance in school].”

                A First Things First web page discusses the importance of fatherhood and lists reasons for why fathers are important:  “1) Every child needs a Dad.  2) Children perform better in school when connected to Dad. 

3) Children make better social decisions when connected to Dad.  4) Children have better self-confidence when connected to Dad.  5) Children become more active citizens when connected to Dad.  6) Mom is relieved of developmental pressure when children are connected to Dad.  7) Mom and Dad have a better relationship when children are connected to Dad.  8) Generational family formation is desired and experienced when children are connected to Dad.  9) Non-family relationships are healthier when a child is connected to Dad.  10) Our community is a better place to be when children are connected to Dad.”

                Another web page at the site discusses five reasons why children do better when their biological parents are married to each other:  “1) Children are less likely to thrive in cohabiting households, compared to intact, married families.  2) Family instability is generally bad for children.  3) American family life is becoming increasingly unstable for children.  4) The growing instability of American family life also means that contemporary adults and children are more likely to live in what scholars call complex households.  5) The nation’s retreat from marriage has hit poor and working class communities with particular force.”

This site lists the top 101 cities with the highest percentage of single-parent households and populations of 50,000 people or more.  I looked to see if my city was on the list and found it was not.  The top cities with single-parent households appear to me to be located in the eastern half of the United States.  Why?

Trevor Thomas published an interesting article entitled “Where Is Daddy?” at American Thinker.  As part of his article he discusses the question “Why are so many American dads not married to and in the home with the mothers of their children?  There are two scenarios to consider:  the dads who divorce and the dads who never marry.  Increasingly, the latter is more common.  In December of 2011, Pew Research revealed that, according to U.S. Census data, `[b]arely half of all adults in the United States – a record low – are currently married, and the median age at first marriage has never been higher for brides (26. 5 years) and grooms (28.7)[.]  … In 1960, 72% of all adults ages 18 and older were married; today just 51% are.’

According to Pew Research quoted by Thomas, the percentages of both men and women who claim that “having a successful marriage is important to them” have dropped and the reason given is that “women aren’t women anymore” and neither are “men “men” anymore.

 “Many men have been deceived into thinking that, among other things, they can have all the sex that they want without any real commitment or other consequences….  [F]ar too many men have allowed themselves and the roles that they were created to fulfill to be cast aside….

“Many women have been deceived into thinking that, among other things, they are no different from men and can have careers and children without marriage or devout motherhood….  For the first time in American history, women outnumber men in the workforce, and more women than men are obtaining college degrees….

“Thus, it’s not just fatherhood that is dying, but motherhood as well….What we are seeing here is the death of the traditional (biblical) family, and when the family dies, that will herald the end of our republic.”

               One of the best ways that we can strengthen our families, communities and nations is prioritize marriage before children and to keep both fathers and mothers in the home with their children.  Children develop better and live healthier lives when they have the influence of both their father and their mother impacting their lives.  In order to strengthen our community and nation, we must first strengthen the family unit and this means putting father back at the head of the family. 

Family Proclamation, Part 4

Families, communities, and nations are strengthened when individuals understand and live the principles contained in the inspired document known as “The Family:  A Proclamation to the World.”  The proclamation on the family is inspired counsel from living apostles and prophets and contains counsel to help strengthen marriages and families. 

The fourth paragraph of the proclamation on the family reminds us that God commanded Adam and Eve to “multiply and replenish the earth” and states that this commandment is still in force.  “The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife.  We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.  We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedding as husband and wife.”

We can read this commandment to Adam and Eve in Genesis 1:28, “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it:  and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

Living apostles and prophets often speak about the importance of reserving human intimacy to a man and woman legally and lawfully married.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said:  “Secondly, may I stress that human intimacy is reserved for a married couple because it is the ultimate symbol of total union, a totality and a union ordained and defined by God.  From the Garden of Eden onward, marriage was intended to mean the complete merger of a man and a woman – their hearts, hopes, lives, love, family, future, everything.  Adam said of Eve that she was bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh, and that they were to be `one flesh’ in their life together.  This is a union of such completeness that we use the word seal to convey its eternal promise….  But such a total union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximately and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with solemn promises and the pledge of all they possess – their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams.”

The law of chastity is an important law for us to know and understand, and the importance of this law cannot be overstated.  This video uses the counsel of modern prophets to teach us how to stay chaste and to find happiness and peace in our lives.

Keeping the law of chastity is important because it involves the channel through which we come to earth.  It involves the creation of the physical bodies for the spirit children of Heavenly Father to inhabit.  God’s plan for the happiness of His children involves marriage and family life; it involves a man and a woman welcoming children into their lives and into their home.  This conduit must be kept clean and pure in order to create the strongest and most capable physical body for the child.  Babies arrive in this world as pure and innocent as their spirits were in heaven.  Each baby deserves a healthy and strong body to live out his/her days on this earth.  This is the reason why God commands that the powers of procreation should be employed only by a husband and wife, legally and lawfully married.

I testify of the importance of obedience to all the commandments of God.  I know that it is important for us to obey God’s commandments concerning marriage and family in order to avoid problems, pains and suffering.  I know that we can gain the greatest happiness and joy from obedience to the law of chastity.

Stand for Marriage

                    Families are stronger when there is a traditional marriage as the basis for the family.  Prophets have declared that marriage is ordained of God.  The scriptures tell us that the first marriage on this earth took place when Heavenly Father performed the wedding ceremony for Adam and Eve.  Traditional marriage between man and woman has been the norm for more than 6,000 years.

                    One difference between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney is their attitudes about traditional marriage.  Romney is for traditional marriage, and Obama is not.  This difference may cost Obama some votes in the African-American communities.

We all know that Barack Obama was for traditional marriage - until he needed campaign cash.  When his coffers did not fill as rapidly as he needed, he declared that he had "evolved" from being for traditional marriage to being for gay marriage. 

When Mitt Romney spoke at the 103rd national convention of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), he spoke to them like adults and equals.  Mitt basically walked into hostile territory that day because the vast majority of African-Americans strongly support Democrats and their liberal economic plans. 

The crowd booed when Romney declared that he would repeal Obamacare; however, they loudly and strongly applauded when he shared his strong stance on marriage.  "A study by the Brookings Institution has shown that for those that graduate from high school, who get a full-time job, and wait until 21 before they marry and then have their first child, the probability of becoming poor is two percent.  And if those factors are absent, the probability of being poor is 76%....  Here at the NAACP you understand the deep and lasting difference that family makes.  […] Any policy that lifts up and honors the family is going to be good for the country and that must be our goal.  As President I will promote strong families and I will defend traditional marriage."

About the same period of time Texas Governor Rick Perry was interviewed by Peter Robinson of the Hoover Institution for the Uncommon Knowledge series at National Review Online and reaffirmed his strong support for marriage.  "If you are going to base your public service upon your values then you are going to get criticized by those who don't agree with those values.  I don't back away from my positions on traditional marriage, on abortion.  Those are values, and actually they are values from my perspective, they can't be equivocated.  You are either for traditional marriage or you are not.  You are either for protecting innocent life or you are not….  The issue of traditional marriage is one that continues to bubble forward and I happen to believe that if you are going to have a society that is successful, economically or otherwise, you are going to have to have values that you attach that society to.

"For 2000 years we have had marriage between a man and a woman….  I suspect that issue is not going to go away, but just because you share a different view, or you are flexible on the issue does not mean that God has changed his mind about it."

Just because a small percentage of the citizens of this nation want to change the definition of marriage, the majority do not have to accept that change.  Like Romney and Perry, we must be willing to stand firm on our principles and promote strong families by defending traditional marriage.  We must keep traditional marriage as the norm if we want the family to remain the core unit of society.  We must do our part to stand for marriage.

Rules for Marriage

                    Marriages and families are happier and more successful when husbands and wives obey the eternal laws of marriage.  We must obey eternal laws in order to obtain any blessing from God; therefore, we must obey the laws that are applicable to marriage if we desire to have happy and successful marriages.  Husbands and wives who are happily married tend to develop loving and strong families.

                    The Lord decreed on April 2, 1843, the conditions upon which we can obtain blessings from God when he revealed the following information to the Prophet Joseph Smith:

                    "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated.

                    "And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated."  (See Doctrine and Covenants 130:20-21.)

                    The Lord gave further information about marriage and family through a later prophet - President Gordon B. Hinckley - when the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued "The Family:  A Proclamation to the World"  in September 1995.

                    "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children….  Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.  Husbands and wives - mothers and fathers - will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

                    "The family is ordained of God.  Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.  Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.  Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.  By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.  Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.  In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners…."

                    Some dear friends of more than forty years recently celebrated fifty years of marriage.  Newer acquaintances see a strong and happy marriage; older friends know that this couple struggled through some difficult circumstances before arriving where they are now.  My friends would probably tell you that the most important marriage law they obeyed was to love each other.  They love each other dearly and came through their problems because of their love for each other.

                    Other important ingredients of their success are faith, prayer, and scripture study.  As a means to strengthen their marriage, my friends embarked on a system of scripture study; they read the Book of Mormon - Another Testament of Jesus Christ together as a couple and accompanied their study with prayer.  A successful marriage counselor once recommended the Book of Mormon for assistance in strengthening marriages; in fact, she claimed that the Book of Mormon  is the best marriage counselor we can find!  The Book of Mormon strengthens our faith in Jesus Christ and helps us to develop attributes of Christ, which then strengthen the marriage.

                    I am always looking for information about how to strengthen marriages and families and found a plaque with the following "Marriage Rules" created by Accent Design, Inc.  The plaque itself is a beautiful addition to any house, but the information on it is priceless in any home.  I think of these rules as the Ten Commandments of Marriage because they are so valuable.  I like the way they teach the principle and then explain the blessing that comes from obedience to the rule.

                    1) Always remember that "marriage is a partnership" between three people - husband, wife, and God - in order to be blessed with "strength, courage, and determination to conquer all challenges" in the marriage.

                    2) Cleave unto your spouse in thoughts as well as actions in order to "find confidence and trust".

                    3) Be unselfish with your time, money, belongings, etc. in order to "avoid resentment and find harmony".

                    4) Remember your parents but rely on your spouse in order to form better "communication and unity".

                    5) Use special names for each other - such as honey or sweetheart - and remember to perform the "little acts of kindness" in order to "find love and tenderness".

                    6) Use kind words and be uncritical of each other in order to "find peace".

                    7) Enjoy the company of your spouse and spend time together in order to truly know each other and "find intimacy".

                    8) Learn to say "I'm sorry" in order to "melt down the barriers of anger and resentment and find mutual forgiveness".

                    9) Recognize that your spouse has needs and desires and show appreciation for his/her efforts and accomplishments in order to "find appreciation and gratitude for one another".

                10) Live within your means and recognize that wants are different than needs in order to "avoid needless stress and find contentment".   

                    These rules for marriage simply make sense and can bring marital happiness if they are followed.  I like the "act as if" principle.  If the atmosphere in our marriage is not what we want it to be, we can act as if it were and thus bring forth the desired condition.  Depending on the problem, it will take more or less acting, but the result will be well worth the effort.

                    We must follow the laws for whatever blessing we want to receive.  If we want to have happy and successful marriages and families, we must follow the laws upon which they are predicated.